The One With All the Weddings

My wedding is going to be incredible.

Seriously. There are a few people who tell me on a regular basis that they’re looking forward to it, in an I’m-gonna-party-like-it’s-1999 kinda way. No matter that I’m not currently nor am I anywhere close to being one-half of a “we.” Or, that in 1999, I was 14, hadn’t met my friends Jack and Jim, and thus had yet to learn the true meaning of the word party.

I digress.

It’s going to be a big deal. And I’m only planning on doing it ONCE.

One and done. Thankyouverymuch.

I was a sociology major, with some dabblings in psych and women’s studies, so I know the stats. As soon as my prince charming bends down on one knee and blinds me with that giant rock while he pops the question, the following things will be running through my head: Is this really happening? Am I sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him? Yes. Yes I am. Look at that rock! But…well, has his hairline been receding lately without me noticing? Eek. Oh my god what if he never learns that boxer shorts and socks worn with nothing else is not even a remotely attractive ensemble? Double Eek. Will we call off the engagement in a bridezilla-esque blow out over me not wanting to invite his crazy uncle that always smells like booze and thinks my eyes are at boob-level to the wedding?! Oof. And then, finally, if we do make it to the big day…will we be part of the 50% of couples that don’t make it ‘till the cows come home?

My point: having more than one husband in my lifetime is not something that is on my to-do list. As annoying as I find Mr. and Mrs. Smith v.1 –Will and Jada, not Brad and Ange– they have a point with the whole “divorce is not an option” thing.

I, like Ross, would take serious issue with having a marriage come to an end. Granted, three divorces* is a LOT. While it wasn’t his fault that his first wife was a lesbian, it WAS his fault that his called his second wife the wrong name at the altar and was wasted when he married his third. Regardless of the circumstance, I don’t think I want divorce to be my THING any more than he did.

When marriage becomes next logical step in a relationship, rather than the last stop on the train**, it seems like any issue, big or small, can morph into a life-changing deal-breaker.

Which means a lot of time and money is wasted celebrating something that has a shelf life.

Methinks a marriage is an event that a person should only be the star of once in a lifetime, with a co-star that knows what they’re doing and won’t bail mid-shoot. Call me old fashioned, but the words, “I will love and cherish you forever” follow the law of diminishing returns (dabbled in econ too!): after the first time, each time they're employed you’re getting less bang for your buck.

What do you think? Are we so out-with-the-old and in-with-the-hot-new-cabana-boy/girl (depending on your swing) that “I do” just means “Yeah, okay. For now.”? Does it really make sense to have a big bash with a white dress and an open bar if you’ve already done it once (or twice) before?

Or should I just give in and be on the lookout for Ex-Hubby #1?
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*Season 6, Episode 1.
**With rides! And fun things to keep you happy! And presents! This stop is a very fulfilling and amazing stop is my point.

Now playing: Tracy Chapman - Wedding Song
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